Junkman's Guide To Britain

[Junkman]

Most visited flops:

York Minster
Advertised to be the second largest gothic cathedral in Northern Europe with glazed windows. From 1945 to 1956 it could actually claim to be the biggest, thanks to the time it took to re-glaze the Cologne Cathedral after being hit by 70 odd bombs.

Whitby Abbey
Same as York Minster, but without glazed windows. Visitors who have been taken to visit Whitby Abbey look forward to leave for Fountains Abbey upon arrival. People who have visited both, ask themselves, why.

Fountains Abbey
Same as Whitby Abbey. Visitors who have been taken to visit Fountains Abbey look forward to leave for Whitby Abbey upon arrival. People who have visited both, ask themselves, why.

Leeds
Leeds is the largest centre for the scrap metal business, illegal bancruptcies, and financial crash services outside London, and according to the most recent Office for National Statistics estimates, Leeds is the fastest growing city outside the UK, developing into a save haven for all kinds of crooks and snake oil salesmen for which the soil even in London became too hot.
During the Industrial Revolution, Leeds developed into a major industrial centre, surrounded by slums. The industry has long since vanished, the slums survive. Leeds City Council has put out an award for everyone who makes it from the multi storey car park in the city centre to a restaurant and back to his car without being stabbed to death. Leeds has the lowest proportion of residents born outside the British Islands. Even Albanians avoid the place.

Modern Yorkshire
You gotta be kidding!

Transport
The most prominent road in Yorkshire, historically called the Great North Road, is known as the A1. This trunk road passes through the centre of the county and is the prime route from London to Edinburgh, which should be taken as a warning. The M62 motorway crosses the county from east to west towards Greater Manchester and is therefore the nicest thing Yorkshire has to offer. The M1 is supposed to carry traffic from London and the south of England to Yorkshire and has therefore rendered itself the most redundant stretch of motorway paid for by the English taxpayer. In another epic waste of taxpayers' money in 1999, about 8 miles were added to make it swing east of Leeds and connect to the A1. To avoid Leeds, the main city of Yorkshire, can be seen as an advantage, joining the A1 not.

Yorkshire Food
Dead pig with Yorkshire Pudding. Dead cow with Yorkshire Pudding. Dead chicken with Yorkshire Pudding. Dead lamb with - you guessed it - Yorkshire Pudding. Yorkshire Pudding is a pudding not dissimilar to any other pudding. It's only distinctive feature is that all gustatory substances have been carefully removed.

[schraubenkoenig]

Junkman !

Gibts das als Druckversion??????????

[Besengte Sau]

[Steini]

Wie geil ist das denn?

[Junkman]

Despite a few Londoners working in Whitehall claim England has 83 counties, in reality there are only two: Darn Sarf and Oop Narf.

Whereas the region darn sarf has never even made it to the iron age, this cannot be said about the narf waste, which is the only part of England being reasonably advanced (you have to turn back your watches only 50 years and one hour when you visit). What makes the narf east different from darn sarf and the narf waste is that the narf east never developed at all and is hence void of any intelligent form of life, with the exception of a few slugs ushered in from Spain. The area is about as flat as the bonnet of a Ford Cortina and about as exciting as what's underneath the bonnet of a Ford Cortina. According to some well informed sources in London (which is darn sarf), the dominating county of the narf east is Lincolnshire.

Lincolnshire borders Norfolk, Cambridgeshire, Rutland, Leicestershire, Nottinghamshire, South Yorkshire, and the East Riding of Yorkshire. It also borders Northamptonshire for just 20 yards, England's shortest county boundary. People from Northants are forever grateful for the latter, since it enables them to deny to have anything to do with Lincolnshire, without too may people noticing that this is not so.

Famous people from Lincolnshire are Isaac Newton, who invented gravity (or was it grafitti? or gravy?), Margaret Thatcher, who invented bugger all, and Abi Titmuss, who played the clarinet at school.

Ich muß Pause machen. Ich piss mich ein von meinem eigenen Scheiß...

OK, weiter gehts. Alles eine Frage des gezielten Dopings

Most visited flops:

Corby Glen Sheep Fair
This sheep fair has been held every year since 1238 (I'm NOT kidding you!). Since 1958 it is broadcasted life on BBC Lincolnshire (I'm NOT kidding you!), hence fortunately you don't have to witness this tedious ritual in person any longer, and because the accent and dialect of Lincolnshire are little known outside the county, or even identified as a language for that matter, you won't understand what it all is about anyway. Despite all this, thousands of defenseless pensioners are carried there on coach tours from across Britain. Needless to say that the event has proven itself lucrative for a good number of funeral directors from surprisingly faraway places.

Cleethorpes
Are you ready for this?
On 22 September 1956 at 3pm, it was claimed, that a large UFO was spotted for over an hour off the Cleethorpes coast. It was supposedly seen by radar at RAF Manby as well. Allegedly it was a large spherical object with a glass appearance. The Lakenheath-Bentwaters incident is claimed to have happened the month before.
Since this day, people from Lincolnshire report UFO sightings pretty regularily. However, the recent damage to a Lincolnshire wind farm turbine may not have been caused by aliens, experts claim. Nevertheless, the Cleethorpes constabulary insists that the most likely explanation for the damage to the 300-ft turbine was a high speed crash involving an extra-terrestrial spacecraft. One of the blades was badly dented and another disappeared, as it is often the case in alien-windfarm collisions.
Constable Tom Logan said: "What seems to have happened is an alien being has travelled millions of light years across space from a planet we have never heard of, using technology we can only dream about, and then collided with a windfarm in Conisholme. I've said it before - these alien craft are designed for high-speed intergalactic travel. They do not handle well in the Earth's atmosphere, mainly due to our fluctuating magnetic fields. The aliens need to slow down or preferably use a different mode of transport once they arrive on Earth. There's an excellent bus service between Mablethorpe and Market Rasen."
Although Lincolnshire police considers aliens the most likely explanation, they are not ruling out other lines of enquiry, including giant wasps or a massive urang utan. Local villagers have also reported gangs of angry voles with ladders, while nearby farmyards are being checked for cow catapults.

How many times do I have to tell you? Do not talk to people from Lincolnshire!

Grimsby
Or archaically Great Grimsby, is a seaport on the Humber Estuary. According to legend, Grimsby was first founded by Grim, a Danish fisherman and illegal immigrant, by simply killing all inhabitants of whatever the town was called beforehand. It was renowned for its fishing industry, and historically Grimsby Fish has carried a premium price and mercury content. Since the decline of the fishing industry following entry to the European Economic Community in the 1970s this is no longer the case, with the majority of the fresh fish sold at the town's fish market nowadays being thawed frozen fish imported from Indonesia. The National Fishing Heritage Centre (I'm NOT kidding you!) is a museum at Alexandra Dock, opened in 1991. It depicts the 1950s heyday of the distant waters fishing fleet. If this still doesn't bore the living shit out of you, the centre also hosts a programme of temporary exhibitions throughout the year. And if that wasn't enough, during the summer season visitors can take part in a tour of the fishing trawler Ross Tiger, from which they can conveniently commit suicide by jumping over the railing.

Tolethorpe Hall
Throughout the summer the Stamford Shakespeare Company presents the Bard's plays (need I say more?) in the open air theatre at Tolethorpe Hall, which is actually in Rutland.

Lincolnshire has quite a number of local dishes to avoid:

Stuffed chine – this is salted neck-chine of a pig taken from between the shoulder blades, salted for up to ten months and stuffed with parsley stuffing (other ingredients are kept secret, but you don't want to know them anyway, trust me on that), and served cold. It is considered by many in the county to be an acquired taste, hence it is predominantly served to unassuming foreigners.

Haslet – a type of pork loaf, also flavoured with sage (pronounced HAYSS-let in Lincolnshire but HAZ-let in developed parts of England, where it is illegal anyway).

Lincolnshire pork sausages – butchers in Lincolnshire will not reveal the recipe for these for valid reasons. A competition is held each year to judge the best sausages in the county. Traditional Lincolnshire sausages are made entirely from minced pork giblets, stale sawdust, and you know, don't you know. The skins should be natural casings which are made from the intestines of either sheep, pig, or Eastern European seasonal workers.

Pork pies – the same butchers will take a pride in their unique recipe for pork pies. Please don't ask. Run like fuck.

Plum bread – as with plum pudding, plum refers to dried fruit, namely currants, raisins and sultanas, sometimes soaked in tea. This is actually not bad at all, a bit like German Stollen meets Italian Panettone.

Grantham Gingerbread – a hard white ginger biscuit. The main ingredient is cement, but you can use plasterboard as a substitute should you run out of concrete.

Batemans ales – a beer brewed in Wainfleet and served in many pubs in the county and further afield, if you are not careful.

There are several small breweries, such as Newby Wyke Brewery (behind the Willoughby Arms in Little Bytham). The beer is actually quite OK, but the concept of one going to the pub on a Saturday evening without wanting one's teeth kicked in has yet to arrive in Lincs.

[Trencher]

The area is about as flat as the bonnet of a Ford Cortina and about as exciting as what's underneath the bonnet of a Ford Cortina.

Geht doch - oder?



Ist das geil!!! Ich piss' mir vor lauter Lachen in die Hosen!

Mehr davon - los jetzt!!!

[Junkman]

Über welche Gegend willst Du denn was wissen?

[Trencher]

Wales - Nordirland - Man - Kanalinseln (sind das nicht ohnehin halbe Franzosen?)

[Junkman]

Wales - Nordirland - Man - Kanalinseln (sind das nicht ohnehin halbe Franzosen?)

Nono, man. England, please.

[Junkman]

OK, Wales ist schnell erledigt.

The recession took a turn for the worse as new figures revealed more businesses have resorted to using low cost Welshmen. Unemployment in Wales has fallen by 1,000 so far this year, as towns close to the border are overrun by short, hairy employees who work for vodka and seem to speak Elvish. Wayne Hayes, a warehouse worker from Chester, said: "I saw this odd creature stacking boxes. The boss said it's from somewhere called 'Llanerch-y-Mor', which I can only assume is a suburb of Mordor."
Wales still suffers from large scale unemployment with many unable to work due to a chronic sense of victimhood and vitamin D deficiency from lack of sunlight. Singer Charlotte Church's bar tab currently accounts for 42% of the country's GDP. Meanwhile trade unions have called for increased safety checks warning an improperly-handled Welsh can explode in a shower of glowering resentment and vowel-free syllables. Roy Hobbs, who employs 12 Welshmen at his factory in Shrewsbury, said: "They're charming little fellows that can easily be trained to do menial tasks. I sometimes think they almost understand what we're saying." He added: "They're initially skittish around machinery but give them a pallet of straw to sleep on and a flagon of Brains Bitter every night and they're happy as larks."

Most visited flops:

Cardiff
The largest and capital city of Wales since 1955. Also the seat of the National Assembly for Wales.

Archaeological evidence from sites in and around Cardiff — the St Lythans burial chamber, near Wenvoe (about four miles west, south west of Cardiff City Centre), the Tinkinswood burial chamber, near St Nicholas (about six miles west of Cardiff City Centre), the Cae'rarfau Chambered Tomb, Creigiau (about six miles north west of Cardiff City Centre), the Gwern y Cleppa Long Barrow, near Coedkernew, Newport (about eight and a quarter miles north east of Cardiff City Centre) - show that Neolithic people had settled in the area by at least around 6,000 BP (Before Present), about 1,500 years before either Stonehenge or the Great Pyramids of Giza were completed. They never left the area, so they weren't involved in either building Stonehenge, or the Great Pyramids of Giza, or anything else for that matter. Cardiff was a finalist in the European Capital of Culture contest for 2008, which it lost to Liverpool of all ruddy places imaginable. I hope you get my drift.

Harlech
Sleepy Harlech is a small town with a smattering of antique shops, but it lacks overall infrastructure, including public toilets. Most visitors come for a piss at the castle walls and a shit on the beach in fine weather. Hence, the peculiar scent of human expulsionary products embraces the town, so grab a coffee, visit the castle, fart, and then best move on as fast as you can.

Isle of Anglesey
After the rugged majesty of Snowdonia, most find the low-lying planes of the Isle of Anglesey (Ynys Môn) disappointing. But don't let Snowdon's looming presence distract you: there are supposed to be unique charms here, which eluded me so far, and visitors who explore will find miles of uninspiring coastline and Wales' greatest concentration of ancient sites outside Cardiff.
Fertile Anglesey provides north Wales with much of its wheat and cattle, and has a long history of sheep molesting.
In 1826 Thomas Telford unfortunately established the first permanent link to the mainland. He constructed the 174m bridge across the Menai Strait. By 1850 a second crossing was under construction - Robert Stephenson's Britannia Bridge carried the newly laid railway. Today, this bridge also carries the bulk of the road traffic, much of which hurtles directly to the Irish ferries at Holyhead for a stag night in Dublin.

Are you still awake?

Local dishes to avoid:

Tatws Pum Munud
Tatws Popty
Teisennau Tatws
Caws Pobi
Bara Brith
Cawl
Crempogau
Selsig Morgannwg
Bara Lawr
Picau ar y maen, picau bach, cacenni cri or teisennau gradell
Cawl Cennin
Cawl Mamgu
Lobscows

Err, don't ask me, I haven't got the foggiest, too.

[schraubenkoenig]

Das ist schon fast Monty P. Stil.

Junkman schreib weiter!
Ich bin begeistert.

[Junkman]

Jetzt machen wir mal was anderes.

Ich schreib immer dann weiter, wenn Ihr eine Frage zu England richtig beantwortet habt.

Also fangen wir mal an:

Nelson's Column ist ein bekanntes Wahrzeichen und steht auf dem Trafalgar Square in London. Auf der Säule befindet sich eine Statue von Admiral Nelson.

Frage:

Wie hieß Admiral Nelson mit Vornamen?

[Besengte Sau]

Horatio.......

Vor kurzem erst was gelesen über den Vogel

Grüße

[Junkman]

Roite. Orf tar Oirelaind then...

You asked for it, you get it!

Northern Ireland (Irish: Tuaisceart Éireann, Ulster Scots: Norlin Airlann) is one of the four countries of the United Kingdom. The other three are England, England, and England.

Situated in the north-east of the island of Ireland, it shares a border with the Republic of Ireland to the south and west. Do not cross. Either way.

There are three misconceptions I would like to carify right at the start:

1. The Irish term 'oppression'. Despite sounding like an English word with a very nasty meaning, the Irish word must be of Celtic origin and translate into the Englisch term 'alimentation'. Whenever the English stopped 'oppressing' the Irish due to the high leverage on the English taxpayer, the result was a terrible famine causing millions of Irish to starve to death. If we don't feed them, they starve to death.

2. The Irish invented everything. True, but only when the English locked away the liquor. Once you manage to keep an Irishman sober, he is indeed capable of the same things the English are. Due to the fact that the English are too tolerant to lock away alcoholic beverages, since drinking is one of the cornerstones of the English culture, the Irish are permanently pissed and for some odd reason love to play with explosives when in that state.

3. Compared with the Tamiles, the IRA is a peace force. Be it as it may, it's nothing 400 Hells Angels couldn't sort out within a fortnight.

For over 50 years, Northern Ireland had its own devolved government and parliament, so bloody stop blaming us, will ya now, please!

The Northern Ireland devolved government and parliament suspended itself in 1972 and abolished itself 1973, since it preferred to blow up women and children. Repeated attempts to prevent this from happening finally resulted in the establishment of the present-day Northern Ireland Executive and Northern Ireland Assembly. The Assembly operates on consociational democracy principles requiring cross-community support.

Northern Ireland was for many years the site of a violent and bitter ethno-political conflict. The Troubles were caused by divisions between nationalists, who are predominantly Roman Catholic, and unionists, who are predominantly Protestant. Unionists want Northern Ireland to remain as a part of the United Kingdom, while nationalists wish for it to be politically reunited with the rest of Ireland, independent of English alimentation, and we all know what that results in. Since the signing of the "Good Friday Agreement" in 1998, most of the murderers involved have become polititians.

But all this is total and utter bollox, since in reality Ireland is a country inhabitated by Leprechauns led by a humanoid pillock named Michael O'Leary, who owns a few airplanes, and has asked the little people of Ireland to forgive him for stealing their precious gold.

Speaking to an old willow tree near Galway, O'Leary vowed to make amends by leaving a gold coin under every toadstool between Limerick and Killarney, as outlined in Ryanair's recent financial report. He told a passing dairy cow: "It was wrong of me to fund a travel empire using the riches of the little people. When you see them, give them this bag of carrots and say I'm sorry." O'Leary has built a reputation for refusing to apologise, most notably when he ran up and down the aisle of a flight to Düsseldorf, wearing a turban and shouting 'I'm a bomber, so I am! Kaboooom!'.

But recent weeks have seen him apologising on an almost hourly basis, often for things that have not happened and to people that do not exist. But his apology to the Leprechauns marks a watershed as O'Leary has been among their fiercest critics, often describing them as 'two foot of fuck-all with a face like a bag of broken knuckles'. A Ryanair spokesman said: "Ladies and gentlemnen, once again we've had to switch on the 'fasten seat belts' sign as another turbulent weather system passes through Mr O'Leary's head."

The Irish government also recently confirmed that HUNDREDS of pupils were subjected to a series of depraved attacks on their basic common sense over a 40 year period. A devastating report into the Catholic education system has revealed endemic insane voodoo delivered via stories about pregnant virgins, fish-based magic and inflammable bushes with deep, booming American accents.
The report states: "Typically the children would be woken up at 7am by one of the teachers screaming about how fossils were nothing more than Satan's place mats. "By 5pm, the children had been through repeated, sordid levels of utter horseshit. "Some were so scarred by their experience that they grew up to watch all those programmes about haunted houses on Living TV and say things like, 'you can't prove there aren't ghosts'." The report also revealed how the maltreatment of logic reached the highest echelons of the Church, with the Pope himself teaching children they would roast in the 'Bad Fire' if they touched themselves in the 'whore-equipment'. One victim, who refused to be named, said: "Father Mackie called me into his office, sat me on his knee and forced me to believe in the indivisible nature of the Trinity against my will. I kept telling him that the idea of a patriarchal creator was inherently self- contradictory and with no basis in rational thought, but he wouldn't stop.... he wouldn't stop." The report has proposed a series of reforms including Ireland finally dragging itself out of the 14th century and no longer believing in things that obviously aren't true.

Most visited flops:

There are three World Heritage Sites on the island:

Brú na Boinne

is the largest and one of the most important prehistoric megalithic sites in Europe. It is a complex of Neolithic chamber tombs, standing stones, henges and other prehistoric enclosures, some dating from as early as the 35th century BC - 32nd century BC. The site predates the Egyptian pyramids and was built with sophistication and a knowledge of science and astronomy, which is long lost in Ireland since. The only knowledge of science and astronomy left nowadays is full moon, which is a time to get thoroughly shitfaced.

The site covers 780 ha and contains around 40 passage graves, as well as other prehistoric sites and later features, which makes it about twice the size of the Vienna Cental Cemetary, but half the fun.

Skellig Michael

from Sceilig Mhichíl in the Irish language, meaning Michael's rock, also known as Great Skellig, is a steep rocky island in the Atlantic Ocean about 9 miles (12 kilometres) from the coast of County Kerry, Ireland. It's a bloody rock in bloody salt water of all things. For 600 years the island was a centre of monastic life for Irish Christian monks. It is one of Europe's better known but least accessible monasteries, which makes it the most inbred and backward place in the civilized world. However, you havent really lived unless you heard a priest preaching in Latin with a Kerry accent.

Giant's Causeway.

The Giant's Causeway (Irish: Clochán an Aifir or Clochán na bhFómharach) is an area of about 40,000 interlocking basalt columns, the result of an ancient volcanic eruption. It is located in County Antrim, on the northeast coast of Northern Ireland, about two miles (3 km) north of the town of Bushmills.
Man of letters Samuel Johnson said, when asked about the Causeway, "Worth seeing, yes; but not worth going to see."

Dublin is the most heavily touristed region. The west and south west, which includes the Lakes of Killarney and the Dingle peninsula in County Kerry and Connemara and the Aran Islands in County Galway, are also popular tourist destinations. Achill Island lies off the coast of County Mayo and is Ireland's largest island. It is a popular tourist destination for surfing and contains 5 Blue Flag beaches and Croaghaun one of the worlds highest sea cliffs. Stately homes, built during the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries in Palladian, Neoclassical and neo-Gothic styles, such as, Castle Ward, Castletown House, Bantry House, are also of interest to tourists. Some have been converted into hotels, such as Ashford Castle, Castle Leslie and Dromoland Castle.

Wherever you are in Ireland though, you can't even get a cone of Mr Softie. For whatever reason, ice cream is completely unknown. It may have to do with the fact, that the Irish consider a day with more than 6 degrees temperature a heat wave and the girls start to wear bikinis. Oh, yes, the Irish girls. About 20 years ago, they had white skin and orange hair. Due to the general availability of sun beds and the advances of the cosmetic industry since, this is nowadays exactly the other way around.

Local dishes to avoid:

Please note: Food is only available in Ireland as long as England 'opresses' it.

Irish stew. You don't want to know, trust me on that.

Bacon and cabbage. They are boiled together in water. I'm NOT kidding you. You would be arrested for doing such an atrocity in England.

Boxty. A process to make even potatoes uneatable.

Irish Moss. Yep, they eat it.

Dublin Coddle is an Irish casserole consisting of layers of roughly sliced pork sausages and rashers (thinly sliced, somewhat fatty back bacon) with sliced potatoes, and onions. Boiled. Honestly. If put in the oven for an hour or so, it would actually have a chance to be good. Alas, this is not to be.

Ice Cream. You gotta be joking.